Ep 85: Kerry Blaser
Sam Horton: [00:00:00]
So today I have Kerry Blaser with me. Kerry is a newly published author of my inner heroine Exploring Feminine Pain. She invites readers into a deeply personal journey, sharing her experiences With healing trauma and the reclamation of feminine identity, this book is not just a memoir, it's an exploration of the complexities and intricacies of womanhood, the overall impact of emotional pain and the transformative power of self-love, all of which were written from the heart.
So welcome, Kerry.
Kerry Blaser: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity to talk about the process of writing my book and how that helped me heal. It's the only podcast that that has asked me of this, of me, so I'm excited.
Sam Horton: Awesome. That's so good. Yeah. So today we're going to focus on, um, leaning into creativity.
And writing your book. Um, yeah. And how that's helped you unveil your deepest personal truths. So let's start with your story, Kerry. Tell us all about your healing and transformation [00:01:00] journey and how creativity and writing your book has guided you.
Kerry Blaser: So I was, um, I had quite a traumatic childhood and, uh, my mom was an alcoholic.
My dad was a workaholic. They got divorced right before I turned six. And, uh, I was raised in an affluent town in Southern California like. 15 minutes from the Bachelor mansion, like on a windy road. So like right next to where the Bachelor Mansion is, is the town that I grew up in, and I, I don't reveal it because the, my, the one person in the book is, uh, from my hometown.
So I, I don't have permission to give that away. Um, so I, I, I, uh. Learned what it meant to be, you know, a woman who doesn't need a man. 'cause my mom modeled that for me. You know, we're getting divorced, we don't need dad. Oh, okay. Um, and then my dad argued about paying child support in front of me before I was 10 years old.
Well, they both did. They both argued. And so I internalized that, that I don't, uh, [00:02:00] deserve for a man to provide for. So that kind of, you know, was in alignment with like, you know, feminism and then there was all the sexual promiscuity being promoted and um, and there I was, you know, but I had rejected myself so completely because of my childhood trauma
Like there's a statue and I don't know where it is, but it's about. Uh, uh, the parent grieving a loss of a child and you see the head and the arms and there's no center, and you just see the ocean through the center and then the legs. That was me my whole life. Like in middle school, I had one friend because I didn't know how to connect to people.
It was that bad. So when I started high school, my one friend had moved. I didn't really have friends, and there I was faced with who I call my original hero in my book. He is a SB president. He's super good looking, all kinds of friends. Varsity Letterman, you know, affluent family, and there [00:03:00] I am living in an apartment.
I'd already had a job when I was 12, so, you know, a lot happened between us and, and I was never together with him. And I went on to college and got a master's degree in East Asian religious studies and traveled to, uh, to China and met my ex-husband in Tibet. And we got married in 95 before I started graduate school.
And then I had my first child in 97, had my son in, uh, in 98. Sorry. And that was kind of my life. And then I was married 10 years, but very traumatic marriage and got divorced when I was 35. I'm 55 now. And then in my forties, everything went downhill, like. I had four to seven migraines per week. I, for two years, I could barely go in the sun because I was so sensitive to light, and I had to get purple like sunglasses.
Mm-hmm. So that I could go in the sun. And I have three kids, like I couldn't go in the sun. Like, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna parent? You know? And I was on multiple medications like Trazodone, Klonopin, [00:04:00] Soma, Ambien, couldn't sleep, anxiety, depression, did not know how to solve my problems. So my mom helped my mom's soul, had a, had a plan for her life.
And, um, three weeks before my mom passed away, I went to Florida where she was living and I brought her back to California so that she could have her last days with her. Her, um, he is my stepfather, but they never got married problems. And then see my kids, potentially see my brother, you know, see people.
And, um, she passed away on my 45th birthday. So our soul, as part of my book, is how our souls, our energy bodies, physicists have proven that we have energy bodies. Now our souls plan our lives for self-improvement opportunities based on our wounds and based on the laws of physics. So. My mom passing away on that day.
I knew that was special. I knew that meant something special. And that was the day [00:05:00] my intuition told me, it's time to accept my psychic gifts. Stop acting like I'm not psychic and process my childhood trauma. And so that's when it started 10 years ago. And um, and that's kind of where the book starts.
Sam Horton: Awesome. So good. So some would say that like the way you described that light, you know, with the purple glasses, needing the purple glasses, some would say that's because you couldn't face the truth, right? Like yes, the light shining on, on the truth. So that's really powerful. Yes. I love the way you described that.
Kerry Blaser: I'm super sensitive and so right now I am doing some other podcasts with a psycho, with a therapist and he specialized not a psycho, he's not psycho, sorry, lemme say it that way. Oh, and, uh, I know everything happens for a reason, but, you know, we could talk about my viewpoint of some therapists, but Okay.
So, oh, and, but he, uh, he does archetypes and astrology and my north node is Pisces, which is the most sensitive sign. And I'm a cancer, my [00:06:00] birthday is June 25th, so, um. Huh. That makes me so sensitive. But that's why I get so much information. That's why I'm so intuitive.
Sam Horton: Mm. Because
Kerry Blaser: I all, everything just opens.
It's like, okay, bring it all. And then I have no boundaries because I have barely any fire in my chart. Super open. Okay. Born with no boundaries. I had to learn to forge my own fire and there's a suicide attempt, so six years ago I attempted suicide and he's like, that's when you learn to forge your fire.
I said, that is what I agree with.
Sam Horton: Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And the pathway back? Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. So lots to dive into here, Kerry. Yeah. But first, let's start with the creative angle. So tell us about, you know, how you think creative expression has really specifically, you know, supported that healing and transformation, journey, that you've been on to deal with all that trauma.
Kerry Blaser: Oh, so much. Okay, so let's get it. I'm gonna a little bit about the books. The book starts, it starts 10 years ago, but a couple [00:07:00] pages in, I get to the suicide attempt pretty quickly, and then there's about. Two years, and then I run, I, I meet my first hero and I call these men my heroes because they mirrored my wounds back to me.
Mm-hmm.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm. So I just
Kerry Blaser: to show me myself, so, um. So there's six, there's six of 'em, and uh, the number two and three are Justin Waller and Andrew Tate. Just kind of throwing that out there. Yes. Andrew Tate. I had a personal relationship with Justin Waller and that started two months before Andrew's takedown started in August of 2022.
And then, then I met two Fire Academy instructors at yoga. And I never went on a date with any of these men. Because it was like, I'm like, I, I, you're not all those women over there. Yeah, I'm not. Mm-hmm. Let's heal. And, um, but with the fire captain, the second Fire Academy instructor, um, he turned out to be married and I needed to communicate and communication, like opening my voice has been so hard for me.
And, um, [00:08:00] another podcast will point out like, wow, there's seven of you, like the seven chakras. And Andrew paid is number three.
Sam Horton: Okay.
Kerry Blaser: And two years ago, his soul came through and told me, your voice is louder than mine. I'm like, okay, but throat chakra, isn't that amazing? You know? Yeah. That's pretty cool. It is.
Cool. So, okay, so, so anyway, I had my first enlightenment experience, and then a few days later, uh, Jim in the book, the fire Captain, he tells me, and I've been texting, like, you know, oh my gosh, like, what's going on? I need help. Da, da, da, da. I'm married. Please don't text me anymore. I'm married. I'm like,
I mean, I was quiet for two weeks. And if any married man knows anything about a woman, when she's upset and she's quiet, the longer she's quiet, the more difficult it's gonna be. So I, uh, I was intuitively so the words like oath of office. Because sexual [00:09:00] promiscuity destroys women's ability to pair bond as wives and mothers.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm.
Kerry Blaser: Firefighters have an oath of office and they are on duty 24 7. So they're always in their oath. So you're hurting women sexually is not doing your job and destroying society, which you're here to protect. But they do that. And I understand why they do that and I, we can get into that if you want, but, um, so.
Oath of Office, dereliction of Duty, Dean of Public Safety. 'cause he's a Fire Academy instructor. He works for a community college and there's a dean of public safety above him. And so, and I, you know, I was considering, you know, writing something. And then I had sent him numerous emails to be like, what in the world?
Like I was upset. I needed to communicate, but the men I attract in my life have a very hard time with a woman's emotions, holding space, communicating, having difficult emotional conversations. It is not in their skillset. Mm-hmm. At all. Mm-hmm. They can have [00:10:00] sex. They know how to have sex. Beyond that relationships are hard.
Um, and you know, hard for me too. I had an equal amount of problems. So that's when it really started was this email.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm. And
Kerry Blaser: then I did two more medicine journeys because I've done several to help me. And then the book just came out of me last summer, the, the first edition of the book. Okay. That was, yeah, that.
Sam Horton: So, so has the process then of writing the, this book, has it helped you to find ways to express yourself without needing that validation from a, a, another part, another person?
Kerry Blaser: Very much so, yeah. Is that, I had three rules when writing the book. I'm like, okay, I can just let it out. The final version. I do not speak for these men. I speak for myself. Yes. And I will not disparage these men. Yes. You know, so it's your, it's your
Sam Horton: story. It's your owning your story. It's all about you.
It's me. Yeah. But it's kind of like, I teach my daughter this in the playground, like she's 13. Right. So, you know, it's kind of like, [00:11:00] 'cause someone upsets you if someone does you wrong, you know, like the, the best thing you can do. If you can is stand in your truth and tell them about how you feel about your experience.
Yeah. It's not about what they did or who they are. Right. Or, yeah. So it's very powerful.
Kerry Blaser: Yeah. I had to go through that with my daughter this morning. My older daughter today, she's starting college. She's stressed out and so, you know, but this is this kind of. Blaming others.
Sam Horton: Yeah.
Kerry Blaser: For our emotions is, is a huge problem worldwide.
and then while writing the book, like I had 35 years of debilitating lower back pain.
It went away during my first conversation with the first hero because now I've learned to use my voice and he was like, he's, um, yeah. So I, yeah. And so I learned, so then the back pain went away because. That is me showing me that I don't value my femininity and the womb. The womb creates human life. It fuels femininity, which fuels masculinity.
It creates life. Like women, we [00:12:00] channel life force energy, and then we're not valuing our wombs. Mm-hmm. And we wanna be like men, like, and I get it. Like I had to learn my own lessons on that front too. You know, I'm 55, so I have some experience as a mother and a wife and mm-hmm. Boyfriends, you know. when I learned to value myself, my healthy femininity came out and I just naturally became more traditional.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm. It just came
Kerry Blaser: out of me.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I think, um, in our message exchange, um, you sort of said that writing your book has supported you to almost go deeper, you know, in this quest to sort of unveil your most authentic voice. So tell us about. You know, the creative process and how that really supported you while you were writing to get deeper and deeper, um, into Yeah.
Your truth.
Kerry Blaser: Well, edibles helped me a lot. Okay. Yeah. And so, I mean, I just sat in my recliner and I just spent all this time alone and I just would follow my intuition and just let it come out and [00:13:00] then rewrite. And when I had to write that story about my lower back pain, I used to think that somehow, Tim, I call him Tim in the book.
Did that to me. But that was me loving myself so much and being a strong feminine counterbalance.
So I have my voice, but the voice is also for women. Our voice is our protection as well. Like, like, like it used to be that if a mom had to come out in society and handle some business, handle some problems back up because you know, she's that upset, but.
As women, we got one chance. So I'm like, I got one chance at this book. I gotta be authentic, I gotta be real. If I'm gonna bring Andrew Tate into my healing journey. Mm-hmm. And teach women that the he triggers you, that triggers are my healing friend and not my healing foe. Mm-hmm. And that part of Andrew's soul's purpose.
Is to trigger a fear of men and a fear of being sexually assaulted. Mm-hmm. In both [00:14:00] sexes. And my book comes along and is the, the tool to heal. From those wounds. Mm-hmm. You know, he didn't create those wounds, but he's triggering those wounds and that's a healer. Mm-hmm. Now a lot of people don't wanna see him that way, and I get it, but that's where my book is special because I teach people how I use the wisdom.
The universe is the mirror to show me myself.
Sam Horton: So I believe that our creativity and our personal spiritual growth, they also operate, you know, in duality and they reflect each other like a mirror.
So have you experienced this kind of mirroring between your creative growth as you've kind of stepped into the power of writing your book and your spiritual or personal, um, evolution? You know, have those two things been mirroring each other as you've. Been going along your journey? Tell us about that.
Um,
Kerry Blaser: so much. I mean, I had to own so many things. So if I had those rules, I could only speak for myself and I can't disparage these men. Mm-hmm. Every problem I experienced is my fault. [00:15:00] Yeah. Is from one of my wounds. Now, of course, they have their own wounds, but I'm not speaking for them. So that was like a boundary around myself.
Mm-hmm. That was like sky Everest high and you know, core of the earth deep, right. That I had to.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm.
Kerry Blaser: Because the only way if I come out and start talking that I'm the victim, then I'm not modeling the wisdom that I downloaded. That our souls plan our lives based on the laws of physics and our wounds.
And so I, if I'm not owning it. How can I sell it?
Sam Horton: So what do you wish more women then knew about the power of creativity or writing for healing trauma and stepping into your power?
Kerry Blaser: Well, it's communication is feminine.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm.
Kerry Blaser: Right? And a lot of women complain, well, there aren't a lot of female stories in the past. Well, I think there's not a lot of female stories because women share their heart and communicate with their family inside the home.
We weren't out in society. So it does, so it makes [00:16:00] sense to me that if men needed to take the wisdom that women downloaded through, 'cause women are more connected, we're, you know, with the, we're the channelers, with the healers and, um. And take that wisdom out into society and use it. Okay, great. But that wisdom's in my heart.
So here's an example how I have that, so, mm-hmm. I have a master's degree in East Asian religious studies, and I met some Buddhist nuns when I was starting in China as an undergraduate. And so we had an idea that if I went on to get a PhD, I could get more connected with the nuns and learned their wisdom because they're, you know, secluded and they're not with the men and they're women, they're inside.
Right. What I learned was the wisdom that my professors at UCSB, so it's a, you know, a real, a stellar program wanted me to learn was also inside my own heart. And that this wisdom, this universal wisdom that I downloaded, like monogamy is a path to enlightenment. I didn't create that. I didn't like think it up.
I opened my heart. I downloaded the wisdom, and then I [00:17:00] align appropriately. And of course, that came through to me because I'm facing all these red pill guys, right?
Sam Horton: So,
do you believe that we need to lean into deep, pure self-love before we can wholeheartedly, unconditionally love other people?
Kerry Blaser: Well, that's the thing. We can only meet others as deeply as we meet ourselves. Yeah. So when you don't love yourself, you don't have a full cup of love to pour from.
And this is what's happening. This is what I realized. I call it the love hierarchy. So it's self-love. Mm-hmm. Partner love, child love, family love, community love. And when we act from a wound, we act from inverted wisdom. Mm-hmm. So. Love hierarchy. Inverted is community first, right? How many social activists, 20 year olds who have no idea how to solve a world problem, let alone their own problems?
And my 23-year-old, my youngest daughter is exactly like that. Okay? She's yelling at her dad over Palestine and in Iran, and he's Israeli. Okay? Like she knows No, but you know, colleges and, and [00:18:00] high schools. Like I was empowered to call my grandpa a racist when I was 12, and that was 82. So we really gotta think about what we're teaching our children about.
What is reality? What is healthy? How can we, you know, create a healthy family, which is the bedrock of a stable society.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think
Kerry Blaser: we need a whole, and we need mothers for that. We need mothers to say no more.
Sam Horton: Mm-hmm.
Kerry Blaser: I'm a mother and as I introduce myself as a mother first, if I were a wife, I would say wife, mother.
Shaman author in that order. Mm-hmm. And we've lost that completely and I that, so we've lost ourselves.
Sam Horton: so how can people get to know you better, Kerry, and get a real feel for your book and all the work that you're doing?
Kerry Blaser: Oh, I have on my website is www.kerryblaser.com and the current one I made, but I have a new PR manager, he's about to put up a new one, so it'll be more fancy and he'll have like a press kit. I'm like, oh, I need a press kit. Okay. You know, I'm like at home in my garage, like talking to entertain soul, like writing my [00:19:00] book.
Like, you know, it's all dark in here, right? Like, I'm like, oh, there's an outside world. Okay. Yeah. Um, so yeah, that I would say there. And my book's on Amazon. You can find my heroin on Amazon. Yeah.
Sam Horton: Awesome. Well, thank you so much for chatting with me today, Kerry. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much.
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